Wednesday, July 21, 2010

That Perfect Song for This Imperfect State

So this one is a personal one, so if you're looking for a tip on that perfect hot spot in Dallas, or that perfect thing to prepare for your guests at the party you're planning, this post isn't it. Try back next week, and I'll probably be in the mood to oblige. What can I say, That Perfect gets personal sometimes. You've been warned.

So I've been listening to this album in my car to and from work lately, and there's this one song that keeps just resonating with me. It's speaking to my two greatest conflicts lately, and so I just keep listening to it, allowing it to justify my feelings, almost.

There are two things that are bothering me in the most incessant way. Yep. I'm a little disappointed to be writing this post because when I set out to create this blog, I intended it to focus on positive things, in large part to help distract me from the first frustration I'm about to discuss. But it is what it is, and I am who I am.

Okay, so frustration number 1 is this insanity called thoracic outlet syndrome with which I've been recently diagnosed. To summarize, nerve pain, burning, weird coldness/numbness/strangeness, and insane muscle tension, which all varies in intensity, all through my left side from my ear on down, with the most troublesome spots in my neck, jaw, ribs, and shoulder. I am not sure what caused it - how I sleep, how I sit at a computer, how I snuggle my son when I rock-cuddle with him, how I do who-knows-what... or maybe it's a result of a number of mechanical imperfections in my posture... or maybe I was just doomed to it because of how my body decided to form itself. Who knows. What I do know is that for the last year, I've been fighting it, trying my damnedest to conquer it, or at least name it. I guess I have a name for it now (after thoroughly determining that I'm in quite lovely health otherwise). The worst of it is the nerve pain that no pain killer touches. Sometimes I can function through it, and sometimes it is the most painful trial to just be. When there's days I literally told my husband I could not take it anymore, guess what my choice was... take it some more or take it some more. So I did. I have. I am. I am trying to be normal, to be myself through it, but I liked the version of me better before this problem crept up on me. Nevertheless, I push through it all day everyday, which is the hardest when I'm at my job, in a suit, smiling, thinking intently, typing quickly, carefully deciding all matter of things. I thoroughly enjoy using my mind, stretching it, but I hate when my body interrupts that. So I continue to try to elevate mind over body. I was advised that surgery would probably be the best option at this point, but I simply cannot fathom nor accept losing body parts that would be required as part of that (a rib and some muscles)... cannot evict those parts of me. But, honestly, my first reaction to being told (a) there's a surgery for this and (b) that the doc recommended it was: GOOD. Finally. I'll feel okay one day. But, after sleeping on it (well, on the other side from it) a few nights, I resolved that I just cannot comfortably settle into the idea of surgery. I want relief, but not at that price. Not yet. Simply, I am trying everything else first before I go that far.

Frustration number 2 is that my son is now just over 2 years old, and I wanted him to have another sibling at least on the way by now. I do still intend to give him that, to grow our family by another little miracle, but I need to get frustration number 1 under control before I can do that. It's logical and responsible to wait until all the tests that need to be run have been run, all the xrays that need to be taken have been taken, all the medicines that need to be tried have been tried, before I decide to grow another little person. I loved being pregnant with my son. I mean, loved it. It was the most incredible, intimate, awe-inspiring experience in the world. The best thing I have ever done, hands down. I'm mentally and emotionally ready to do it again, but my body, failing me as described in frustration number 1, is making me hesitate. And I am approaching that mommy deadline - the point at which it becomes more dangerous to create new lives. I know people do it all the time, but I wanted... I planned... to do it before now to do it with as many odds on our side as I could.

So, you're probably wondering what in the world is perfect about any of this. Me too, in a way. Sometimes perfection strikes in the imperfect. Well, it does me, anyway. It's That Perfect Song for This Imperfect State.

My whole life I have related to song lyrics in a deep, resonating way. I tend to tie my experiences to songs and let them capture personal moments and tunefully personify the narrative I am living. It just happens, when I am not even looking for it. If the two frustrations didn't especially connect with you, maybe that act of bonding with a song will.

So this song that I've been soaking in, that hits those frustrations perfectly, is Have You Got It In You by Imogen Heap.

It takes a be always on form...
It takes a lot.
I may be not - all the time - all I've got...
Maybe not.

Been one of those days...
Safety first, don't push...what's the hurry?
One nerve remaining, waiting on one look....have you got it?
Have you got it in you?
Have you got it in you?

All at once, not a whisper, no word.
Then all at once...
Let me have it all, let me have it, battle on,
Easy target,
Look can we just...just get it over with.
It's getting worse, against all the odds...
It's getting worse.
Guard down, floor's yours, last man standing can we, just get it over with.

Been one of those days...
Safety first, don't push...don't push me...what's the hurry?
Cause there's one nerve remaining, waiting on one look,
One look now...have you got it?
Have you got it in you?
Have you got it in you?

Blue blue day make me blue...
Head down, quick! Take cover, big girl in a mood.
Blue you, make me anymore blue?
Long spin shout power clean right out of your suit.

One more, one more, one more, one more

Been one of those days...
Safety first, don't push...what's the hurry?
One nerve remaining, waiting on one look...have you got it?
Have you got it in you?
Have you got it in you?
Have you got it in you?
Have you got it in you?

Who knows how long this link will be good, but here is the song:

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