But I sorta wish it would. I mean on top of lingering and dreaming in rainy, pensive moments, which I'm wont to do way more frequently than I'll solidly admit, rain soothes me physically more than I think I realized. And who doesn't sleep better under a cozy feather comforter with a rainstorm barreling outside (which I'll hopefully be doing shortly...)?
I've been trying out some new postural experiments with my back. I've been trying to arch my back more, against what every physical therapist has told me over the years, because I've realized that it makes certain weaker muscles in my low back kick in (in a good way), makes my upper back relax (also in a good way), and feels like that's how my body wants to be positioned. Always has. I'm an ever perplexing jenga of a person with the repaired shoulder and hip on my left side (four times on the shoulder, twice on the hip). With hypermobile joints now in my 40s, which were fun in my youth, I struggle daily as I experiment with my body and try to find sitting positions, standing positions... well, everything positions that don't hurt too much. Sometimes I win. Like yesterday when I was on day 3 of focusing on holding my back in the right arch-like shape whenever I became conscious of it. I remembered that before my surgeries, my back was always arched... more than other people's. And it didn't hurt. And I was surprisingly pleased with how I was able to manage my pain some with those new positional efforts. Today, however, was a losing battle. I think the arching while working at my desk all day yesterday maybe went too far. Too much of the same position? Plus I started my period. And woke up in the middle of a dream to my nine year old in my face and my alarm going off just a moment later. And I woke up sore... which might be okay, but I could also just tell it was probably going to go downhill. I could just feel all the aches rising up in my joints, in my bones as I crept out of my bed and began my morning routine.
It was chilly this morning (so said my phone) when I ushered the kids out the door with their nanny to school bright and early. She showed up this morning in shorts while I was piling coats on my kids. Then, when I stepped out on the porch as they left, it didn't feel like the 40 degrees my weather app had reported to me. But it felt kind of humid and weird. With cold coming. Maybe that explains the aches, too. It was colder by the time I left for my office almost an hour later, and I got a chill while pumping gas on the way downtown, even though I had on long sleeves under my blazer.
As I sat at my desk working intently on some intense projects today, I could feel the pain building. And building. And I'd find myself distracted, sighing loudly to myself in a near futile effort to break the tension occasionally before just deep-diving back into work. And then whispering "fuck" to myself here and there when I just couldn't find a position that wouldn't distract me from my work for very long.
And then it happened. Late this afternoon, a heavy storm hit Dallas and began pouring down. And suddenly, simultaneously, much of the pain lifted. Took leave of my restless body. Reprieve... at least for a while. When the rain began as gentle little pitter patters on my window up on 38 in the sky, I got up and snapped this photo of my view of the perfect rainy gray day above the city below. I love how subtle the rain-droppy streaks are on the glass in front of the ominous gray surrounding and eating up everything in its path.
Rain just knows how to blend with my soul... kind of like painting with watercolors. It comes in with intention, may be harsh here and there, but then it blurs and bleeds things effortlessly together until they feel more peaceful, more flowing, more bathed in color. And at least for a while this afternoon, in less pain.
It's hard sometimes feeling like I'm trapped in this vessel that dishonors all that I have inside me to be, to give, to share, to love with, to thrill with, to sing with, to create with, to dream with, to intuit with, to connect with, to drink deep with. Acceptance, girl. Grace and gratitude for all that is in me. Remember that. And the rain. And I can hear comforting thunder rumbles in the distance as I type.
Who cares if my body feels like it is in smithereens if my spirit is ever strong and true?
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