I feel like I just floated through the day today. Not long after the kids left for school, at 7:45 a.m., I dialed into an 8:00 a.m. court hearing from home in my pajamas. I warned folks I'd be working from home this morning and would be in after the hearing. I expected it might last a couple of hours. It lasted more than four, approaching four and a half. When it was done, I slurped down a Nutri Bullet smoothie in a mad dash, quickly got dressed and did my make up, then zoomed to the office, arriving by a little before 1:00 p.m. (happily getting a decent parking spot since people were still out to lunch). And from there, I hit the ground running (ha, so to speak... if you know me, you get that joke). On a normal day, I might bill time to 3 or 4 clients, or if I'm lucky, I can focus more intently on just 1 or 2. Today, it was more like 8 or 9 (I'd have to log in on my work computer to confirm, which I'm just not gonna do right now). And each matter came alive and kicking, back and forth, so I had to jump from complicated matter to complicated matter all day long. Until I finally left the office approaching 7:00 p.m., still in a whirl. It was an insane day, but I also kinda loved it.
But, my God, the ride home. It rained madly this afternoon (which I barely noticed out my window), but by the time I was driving, the rain had stopped. And it was crazily windy, and my windows were down (of course they were... because wind, soothing everything and making my hair dance). And I had ridiculously good and loud music coursing through me as I rode. I don't think I could have mustered any words in that moment that weren't singing-along ones. I was just... floating. My body was... is so deeply tired. I'm not even sure precisely what I'm trying to say here tonight... I'm just that exhausted to the core. Except I feel like I'm still floating. Maybe it's flying from hard thing to hard thing non-stop. Maybe it's the wind. Maybe it's the deep tired. Maybe it's the afterglow of light I keep finding and just keeping inside me like treasure I hold dear. I feel freer than I've felt in a long time. I think Spring does that, too. Especially windy Spring. Tired, but floating. So it isn't bad. It's just an odd juxtaposition that feels kind of warm and tingly and also like I might fall over asleep any moment, but probably won't because my mind just won't stop. I just keep riding, like a wave, floating along. Knowing I'll just be carried where I'm supposed to be going. Is it possible to hit a stride and float at the same time? Because I kinda think that's what I'm doing.
I had this image in my head partway through the day of my hair being on fire it was just so non-stop... and speaking of hair....
I had lunch with my sister in law recently, and she said in passing we should talk about my hair (but we never got back to that subject). She's a hairdresser these days. But I kinda don't want to talk about doing anything different to my hair. So, all I said in return was, "It's curling really well today, isn't it?" Because it was. I love that it's a mane again. I stupidly cut it shorter after my son was born. Never doing that again. It's longer than it's been in many years, and it's a wee bit unruly, but also in a good place because I finally found hair products that I really love. God, it took long enough. And I don't even own a brush because just NO. Conditioning is key with curls. Like tons of conditioners. Anyway, I do get compliments on my hair, but I don't even care. Even if I didn't... wouldn't matter to me. It's sort of a trademark for me. Maybe it's also a trademark or a sign of this chapter in my life. And I love when it's big and crazy (but not in that Big Texas Hair kind of way... you know the difference). Maybe my sister in law was talking about my gray hairs. There's plenty more of them cropping up. But I don't care about that either. Kinda like my surgical scars or pregnancy stretch marks. Or teeny wrinkles on my nose from scrunching it up when I'm laughing. All those little things that show the life this body has lived so far. And that are there to be seen unabashedly in the life I have yet to live. And with the work and the trials in my life to come, I'm sure more gray hairs will sprout. And more scars ultimately, just because it's probable. But there will also be lots more laugh lines. And all the things that make life worth it. And maybe they're all beautiful in their imperfect way. And maybe my crazy hair is just another way of floating. Not trying too hard. Just being... well, me.
So right now, I'm floating. On the wind. On a song. And in a dream. Don't care where. Don't care how messy my hair gets. Seeing where things go and diving deep in every moment. With intention all the while... but still floating.
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