Well, it isn't totally silent. That's a half-truth. There's music in the background. Because if it's up to me (and right now, it is), there will always be music on. And there's also the occasional soft thud of kitties pouncing after each other on the hardwoods. But I have a deep and unexpected serendipitous inner silence tonight. I find myself alone in my house with no one else here since around 11 or so this morning until sometime tomorrow afternoon since my family went camping. The last time I was totally alone for any real length of time was when I was away staying at a hotel for a conference. And even then, I had events and programs to attend, and my parents were just down the hall, so there wasn't that much alone time. And that was months ago. And I don't count office time away from home as "alone" because though I'm in my own office space, it's still social at any given moment with the ring of the phone or a shadow at my door. Maybe it's been years. YEARS since I spent a night alone at home. I literally don't even remember the last time. Because of my surgeries, I haven't traveled for work and stayed at random strange hotels in years, and I've been just here. And the handful of other trips I've taken, I've been with others the whole time. So, still not alone.
But tonight, I am in this usually bustling house that feels so different with just a single soul in it. So, here feels strange tonight. This house is only my space for just a short while. Time moves more slowly. I've been wanting some alone time lately, preferably with some cliffs... I've got no cliffs today (those will come later, I'm determined), but, nonetheless, a little twinkling space carved out just for me.
I've been writing. And absorbing a lot of music. And I've had a few phone calls. And I took an extra long shower. Maybe I'll watch a movie. But now? I'm just sitting here wearing my favorite black dress with some dark lipstick, just because. And I'm feeling the fabric of my chair lazily with my fingertip. And I'm noticing my toes on one foot intertwined with the ones on the other foot. And tossing my unruly curls from where they have fallen in my face from time to time. And remembering here and there to take sips of Gatorade as I recover from the vicious norovirus attack I had yesterday. I worked much of the day from home today making up for yesterday's illness. But now I've got ME time. I have to listen to and just be ME.
"I guess it's just me. And me." (Hey Jupiter, Tori Amos)
"I used to think that the day would never come." (True Faith, New Order)
I think this is deeply good for me. But it's a strange good. "Take the sun apart and put it back together." (Sinkership, Sin Fang Bous) Maybe I am the sun today.
"One night to speed up truth." (Heartbeats, Jose Gonzales) When there's no one to listen to but yourself, you just do. And I notice my own heartbeat more than usual.
"You say go slow, I fall behind." (Time After Time, Iron & Wine) I always seem to fall behind with this damn hip of mine. Everyone's steps are faster than mine. Maybe I deserve it for walking too fast for all those years...
And of course my playlist randomly ended up on "Silent All These Years" as I'm wrapping this up. Because of course it did. I told you all in the first line that it wasn't actually silent. Or I'm never really silent. But I knew that. Not when music colors everything in my head.
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